Back to December
by lawsbian
Summary: One shot following the song "Back to December" by Taylor Swift.


Whipped this little thing together within the week. Tell me what you think.

**Bolds **are song lyrics. _Italics_ are thoughts. **_Both are both_**.

** December 5, 2012**

"**I'm so glad you made time to see me.**" I'm not sure whether I'm telling this to my coffee cup or the figure in front of me. I'm looking away so often, it's a surprise I even know who's there.

"Of course. You were my best friend, you know." She states the obvious. I smile and look back up to her. Her big, baby-blue eyes tell me that, despite everything, she's proud of that fact and she feels super confident in being here right now. I wish I felt that; but then again, how could I after all I put her through?

"I know," I give a small laugh. "You were mine, too," I smile back up at her. I wish that sentence had been in the present tense. Maybe it is. Maybe I just didn't want to say it. Before the conversation can get too heavy for such a short time being here so far, I say, "**How's life?**"

She sets down her coffee that she just took a sip of. She glances out the window to my right and her left; instictively, just like old days, I follow her gaze. The cold winter day is gone. In the ten minutes that I've been here, all light coming from the hidden sun has perished and in its place arose nightfall. After a couple of seconds, I look back to her from the side of my eye and see that she's still staring out the window, so I look back, too. I watch as the delicate flakes of snow patter against the ground on top of the already fallen snow.

"Good," She speaks up and I avert my gaze immediately back to her. I would be lying if I said I wasn't curious as to what she has been up to since the last time I saw her last August. I try not to make myself look too eager. "After the recognition of my first film, you know," Spencer worked her ass off on this "Lesbian Empowerment" documentary. She was up for nights at a time, crying half of the time, stressed all of the time. "...things thankfully took off. Mr. Henry saw it and this came to that and now I'm working for him full time." She gives me a big smile, but it seems to lack something.

"Mr. Henry? Spencer, that's so awesome! He's like, _the _film director of California! I'm so proud of you; that man's going to get you to great places."

She smiles bigger than before. "Thank you, Ashley, really. I hope I get more opportunities. I mean, he has assigned me to smaller movies such as my first doc., but I want bigger and better, you know?" She tilts her head and squints her eyes. "Movies like he directs."

"He's like sixty. Spence, you're going to get there. With all your ambition and your goals that you've had since you were like, what, sixteen? I know you're going to get there." She blushes and looks down at her coffee. I don't want to make her feel awkward.

"Thank you. I'm trying, I really am," We share a comfortable silence for a few seconds. It feels so good. It has been so long since we've had one of these. "What about you? How's the label going, rockstar?" She sasses.

I laugh and look up. "Honestly? It hasn't been better," I'm only talking about the label here. Everything else in my life doesn't have the same answer. "Madison and I have really began a weird bond," I scrunch my face up and my mind smiles thinking about Madison. It's so strange how years ago I hated her guts and now she's so close to me. I watch as Spencer's eyes nearly pop out of their sockets. I resist the urge to pull her jaw up from the ground. "I know! It's out of this world. Anyway, she asked me to do a duet with her for the upcoming CD. Yeah, there's a new one that should come out in less than a year. Anyway, I'm dueting with her for a song and then there's a possiblity that I may make my own. I've written a lot and Madison's on my side for this which I'm so thankful for. She's very persuasive, that one."

"Ashley, that's so great! You've always had the voice of an angel," Now I'm the one blushing and it's hard to believe we've gone so long without communicating. "I know how bad you've wanted this and now it's so close to you. Never give up on it, okay?"

Spencer's words still have the ability to paralyze me. "I won't," I promise her.

I watch as her hands drop from the sides of her coffee cup, taking note of her blood red nail polish. She has always loved her nails that color. She crosses them together and I picture my hand in hers again. I want to hold them so bad, I want all of her to be mine again. But I can't think about this anymore. That's not why we're here, unfortunately.

"So, Spencer, **tell me how's your family?**"

An unknown look crosses her face and I hope this doesn't set her off for some reason.

"Oh, they're...they're good." She smiles wearily. I just stare at her with a questioning look.

"**I have't seen them in a while.**" One of the dumbest things I think I could say. Of course I haven't seen the girl who broke up with me's family.

"Yeah, we're all just trying to get back into our regular lives," Now I'm really confused. My look is evident when she says, "Oh, um... Clay, he actually, um, passed away." She looks back down at her hands. Guilt rushes over me though I know it isn't my fault, but obviously our break up plus her homophobic parents plus her douche bag brother plus her only supportive adopted brother's death can't possibly have been good on her. Poor Spencer!

"Oh, Spence, I'm so sorry. I had no idea." I sincerely tell her.

"That's okay, everything happens for a reason, right?" I nod. I never believed that until Spencer. That's the thing with her. The worst possible things could happen to her and she'd still be appreciative of what she has. She taught me how irrelevant things are and how I need to savor the little things while I have them. I still do that because I know that everything I have now is some day going to be gone, one example being Spencer. She's here, but she isn't mine. I wish I would've known things would be like this.

A few seconds later, I nearly whisper, "How have you been? You could have called me if you needed someone." I avoid eye contact.

"I've been fine. Like I said, I'm trying," She meekly chuckles. "Some days are worse than others. Now that I know you're there, I'll be sure to give you a call if needed." I look up and see her giving a half smile, similar to the oh-so teaseful ones she used to give me.

"Spence, I've always been here. No matter what happens, I told you, I'll always be here for you. You're my best friend." I tell her with my heart threating to beat out of my chest.

"Thank you, Ash," She nods and smiles at me. "Uh, is there any sign of Christine or Kyla yet?"

I scoff and mentally laugh at her rememberance. "Of course not, not that I expect it. But I'm fine. I'm content on my own," I'd be more content if Spencer still lived with me. "They always held me back anyway. Of course, I'd like to have a regular relationship with both of them. But they're both just assholes and so close-minded and negative. I can't be around that."

"I'm proud of you. You don't need people like that in your life."

"Yeah, I need more people like you in my life." I roll my eyes and take a sip of my coffee and appreciate my sudden bolt of confidence. Spence has that affect on me. She always has.

She gives a hearty laugh that makes me smile big. I've missed that melody so much. I didn't realize how much I miss her. The fact that she's here is so amazing. I want to touch her, hug her, hold her. I want to taste her. I want to be back to our normal selves. But, because of me, that can never happen again. And I'll never forgive myself for it.

"Tell me what's been going on besides working. You've got to have some free time." I pry.

She laughs softly before saying, "Working? For _Mr. Henry_? _Free time?_ I've never heard this phrase; would you mind explaining?" She tilts her head expectantly. I open my mouth, ready to give a witty response. "It doesn't exist in my world. Morning to night I'm either directing, writing, helping select cast members, or tending to Mr. Henry's needs, not that I mind that. He's a good man. The earliest I get home is seven and I'm out of the house by seven in the morning."

"Spence, that's a lot. Are you sure you're going to be up for that forever?" My protective girlfriend insticts kick in.

"Well, it won't be forever," She tries to reassure. "Before I know it, I'll be on my own and mentoring mini me's! It's tough now, but it won't be like this forever. I kinda don't have another choice." She shrugs and sips.

"Well, I hope it's soon. You deserve some time of relaxation." I lean back in my chair and copy her sipping action.

"Soon," She simply states.

I guess this is good. All of this, working how it did. Spencer gained such a great opportunity, and she's **been good, busier than ever**. Had we kept up whatever was going on between us, she probably would have missed the opportunity with Mr. Henry and her life would still be filled with stress because of me. I'm glad to have finally let her go, physically but not mentally. She needed to go and I've always known that. I just loved...love...her too much to actually do it. I'm ultimately glad she pulled away for me. This beautiful woman in front of me deserves the entire universe. I wish I could hand it to her myself just to show her how much she deserves. The saddest part is she doesn't even know it. She blames herself for every little thing she does. She's so damn strong, but she's so damn weak.

It frustrates me that she's wearing long sleeves. I can't see her forearms. I'm just praying to God (yeah, Spencer somehow moved me out of my athiest ways. Don't ask me how.) that she hasn't been up to her old habits. When we were together, I only caught her cutting two or three times. Before we were friends, I would notice new cuts on the daily. She thought the bracelets would hide them. Finally I caught her after class and I talked to her and basically I told her that she's beautiful, strong, and I told her that despite the fact we don't know each other, I'd always be there for her. And I was. And I still am. From there, things just picked up with us. I'm so glad I had the courage to talk to that beautiful girl in my biology class.

"Tell me about your free time. Considering it's winter, you look tan," She quirks a brow. "And I'm wondering how this could be."

"Okay, I promise you I've only gone to the salon twice since October. I took in as much Ohio sun as I could before this could happen," I gesture to the steadily falling snow. "I was just getting too white." I moan.

"You. Getting white." She gives a disapproving look before glancing down at her body. I laugh at her hint.

"Yeah, but you're a good looking white. I just look like a used up band-aid." I shake my head at the gross thought. She laughs at my insane comparison.

"Yep, that's you. My washed up band-aid." We laugh together and my heart soars. _My. _"So, you've got to be loving this." She looks out the window and I do, too.

"I actually do. It's not LA for sure, but I love it. It's so calm here. And LA has never gotten snow!"

"How come you never moved back? When we were like fifteen you told me you hated it here since you moved here when you were twelve. You told me you'd move back as soon as you were legal."

"Yeah, I know. But things change," I shrug and look deep into her eyes, hoping she'll get it. "This is my new home now, and it has been for thirteen years. LA will always have a special place in my heart and it's not like I can't ever go back. Who knows, maybe some day I will move back. But for now I love it here. I'm so lucky that Madison took the label here. She has always wanted to go to LA and even work there. I don't even know why she chose to stay. But in my own deviously selfish way, I'm glad." I smile.

She smiles back and says, "I'm happy for that, too," After a few seconds of longingly gazing at each other, Spence breaks it by turning her attention back to the window. "Woo, this is the most snow fall we've gotten thus far."

I look. "Yeah, but there's bound to come much more than this dosage." She nods in agreement.

**We small talk, work and the weather. **Things were going swell until I notice a strange change in Spencer's demeanor. It isn't mean or rude or regretful, I think. She seems short on her sentences and she isn't looking at me as long as she was. I would know because I'm in heaven every time her glaciers lock with my chocolate. I'm lacking her glaciers. She swirls around her coffee cup, but I do not know why, seeing as it has been empty for quite some time. I watched her take the last sip of it. When she isn't swirling her cup, she's fidgeting with her hands. We're total opposites now. She's clearly freaking out about something while I'm sitting perfectly still and not minding my whereabouts. Something is clearly bothering her. Maybe she wants to leave. But if she wanted to leave, she'd say something, wouldn't she?

"So..." She says and looks away.

"So...?" I slightly question.

"I don't know." She mumbles.

"Spence, you okay?"

"Huh? Me? Oh, yeah, I'm great!" She says with false enthusiasm. Her voice cracks slightly on "great".

"Hey, if you need to go, it's cool-"

"What? Do you have someone you need to see?" She quickly asks.

"What? No, why? Do you?"

"No, no. I'm fine." I slowly nod my head and stare at her. Finally, she looks up at me and forces a weak smile.

I divert my gaze from her and look back to the window. I watch as a young man approaches his girlfriend by surprise. She's sitting on a bench with her back away from him, cuddled up in a scarf, jackets, and gloves with a book. He leans his head over her so that she is blocked from reading. She looks shockingly from him to the red roses in his hands. He hands them to her, she sniffs them, then leans over them to kiss him gently but sternly on the lips. Feeling like a creep, I look awkwardly back to Spencer, who is watching them, too. _**Your guard is up and I know why.**_

She slowly moves her eyes back to me and I can see the sadness in them, it's plain as day. I force a soft smile to her and she tries to return it, but I know that after all this time she's still hurting.

The bell atop the door rings and I look past Spencer to see the young adult couple walking in. They're smiling and she's giggling at something he's whispering in her ear. They order together; she takes out money and tries to pay, but he overbears her. I look back to Spencer, not realizing how long I had been staring, and see that she's looking at them, too.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if roses weren't involved.

"Hey, Spence-"

She whips her head back around and says, "So, did you see that new _Dateline _on Friday?"

I let out an involuntary chuckle because of the fact Spencer remembers. I'm kind of morbid; I'm into _Dateline_, _Law and Order_, and all those shows. It's cool that Spence remembers, I love that she remembers. I just nod and look into her eyes. I know she's covering up now. I know those eyes. I know those eyes because I caused them. When she was trying so hard and I didn't take anything into consideration, she would look at me with these same eyes. My poor baby.

_**Because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind**_. I can honestly say the same that our last time together is all I ever think about, aside from the good times, of course. That's my biggest regret and the thing that haunts me everyday. I just sat in the same spot on my stairs where the roses laid until it got to be too much. I wish I had done more. I have never been more selfish than I was just a few months back. I don't understand why this precious person in front of me can even bare to see the girl who tore her heart apart. _**You gave me roses and I left them there to die.**_

I dumpster dove for those roses, too.

What reason really are we gathered here for? I suppose it is my call since I'm the one who asked her to meet me here. I don't exactly know why either. One second I was laying on my bed, window wide open and cold winter wind brushing against me, and the next I was on the ground of my kitchen awaiting the voice of Spencer. Much to my surprise, she answered and I asked her here. She was busy working, but she told me she could meet me the next day at five and here we are now, way past five now. I guess I was just dying to see her. I mean, you can't just go from having a best friend to falling in love to breaking up and never seeing them. It may go that way sometimes, but it hurts so much. It hurts mostly of guilt. Of course I miss her and everything we had, but I ultimately know it's my fault. And it's sad I had to go through all of this only to realize how selfish I had been. I had to lose her to learn all of this. Like she said, it's for a reason.

It's for a reason.

So maybe we're here for a reason. Maybe I have gathered my realizations for a reason. Maybe she made time for me for a reason. Maybe there's still hope for us. Little by little, we can get what we had back. I know we can.

**So this is me swallowing my pride**. I admit I have always been prideful. Sometimes I'd rather maintain my pride than admit I'm wrong or I made a mistake. But that has got to stop, and it has been stopping. I know I fucked over Spencer. I can't believe she actually stayed with me and put up with me for as long as she did. She so doesn't deserve what I put her through. She's my number one priority in my life and I wish I had acted on that. I really screwed up. How could I ever let anything come between me and Spencer?

_Oh, how I'd love to just be __**standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night".**_

She would never take that. I never talked about any apologies or trying to make it up to her, but then again, I never told her I wouldn't. I could do it. I could.

Not a day goes by where I don't think about that day. Night, more like. Some days I can't believe it actually happened. I can hardly believe that I let her slip away. I don't know how the best part of me and the best thing in my life got away from me. I don't know how it got that bad. But I certainly know that I'm to blame. December was my favorite month...until this. **And I go back to December all the time.**

"You always mentioned how you were dying to go to Bora Bora. So, have you?" She asks and I jump due to the fact I'm so deep in thought.

"Oh. No, I haven't. Not since this blonde girl I know told me she'd come with." I glance up at her and look away. She says nothing.

When Spence left me she said she was giving me the freedom she knew I needed. I told her I didn't need it. I told her I needed her, along with a few thousand apologies. I've done nothing with my freedom. _**It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.**_ I wish so much she hadn't given me that freedom. But I know Spencer needed it. She needed it more than me. Thankfully, I truly believe I've grown since that night. I know my priorities. I know my goals. I know what makes me happy. I haven't been living my life fully without Spencer. I need her. No matter what I do, I need her.

So, sitting here in a warm coffee shop on a cold winter's night with my soul mate, talking about everything and nothing at all, leaves me in a state of disgrace. It's so bittersweet. She's here, but we're not together. She's here, but we're both in pain. She's here, but I'm not hers and she's not mine. Instead, I sit here staring at every little feature and crevice of her. Noticing her change in style. Noticing her addition of make-up. Noticing her same fidgety habits that actually came to a halt when we were together. I stare at her. I try to read into her soul. _I'm __**wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.**_

__If I could go back in time, I would in a heart beat. If I knew what I know now and I could go back in time, I would most definitely. I have done so many things wrong to the girl sitting in front of me. This innocent, pure, beautifully tragic girl. I hurt her because I'm selfish. If I could go back in time, **I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.**  
Each day I manage to pull through. I don't have a specific goal that keeps me going. I just know that something good has to come out of this. How I know that? Another thing Spencer taught me. And she's always right. Something good comes out of everything, you just have to wait for it. So that's how I spend my days. Besides writing and being in the studio, I'm waiting. Patiently waiting for something good to come of this, sometimes I think "hey, maybe Spencer's wrong. Maybe this time there is no good". But I can't lose hope on Spencer. If I lose hope on Spencer, I have nothing to hope for. I'm here, waiting, but **I go back to December all the time.**  
I yawn which causes me to tear my attention away from Spencer. I take the last big gulp of my coffee and instantly wish for another. I really need it. **These days I haven't been sleeping.** I honestly cannot remember the last time I got a full night's sleep. I'm always wondering what happened, what could have happened, what is happening, what's going to happen. Not just about me or about us, but about Spencer. I have always wondered if she's okay or if she moved on or if she was going on with her days but internally struggling like me. I haven't called because who am I to call and ask this? No one, that's who.

It's the same dumb routine. The drinks, the sobs, staying up until I'm already sobered, **staying up, playing back myself leaving.** No matter how hard I try to tell myself to shut up and suck it up, it still hurts. It's like my own pity party. I don't deserve it. I hurt her. But I'm still hurting, too. I just don't know where to go with this.

I miss her.

I think back to May, _**when your birthday passed and I didn't call**_.

"I'm sorry I didn't call. In May. Your birthday." I stumble out, ashamed.

"It's okay, don't worry about it." She shakes her head and the hurt is evident in her tone. I so wish I had been there to celebrate it with her.

"Uh, what did you do for it?"

"You mean besides work?" She softly gives a small giggle.

"Your whole day couldn't have consisted of working," I smile and look at her expecantly. She shrugs slightly and smiles back. "Wow, that kind of blows. Sorry."

"It's fine. This will all be worth it. There will be plenty of time to celebrate later." _And hopefully I'll be around for that. _

I nod.

**And I think about summer, all the beautiful times**. Spencer and I were the happiest we've been, ever, two summers ago. I don't quite know why. Maybe it's because just a few months prior she had just moved in. Maybe it was the freedom. We both had graduated from college and were on the road to careers. We had our whole lives ahead of us and we still do.

Everyday was an adventure with Spence. We would go on hikes, swim around a pier, go on roadtrips into bordering states. Other days we would lay in bed and read or watch old soap operas or make big dinners together. It doesn't matter what we were doing, all that mattered was Spencer was with me, having the time of her life with me like I was with her. Fifty percent of the time, we'd be in my car, going God only knows where. _**I watched you laughing from the passenger side**_. _You told me you only had one donut, but I soon caught you—you had eaten the whole package._

Summer sadly came to an end. I continued writing for Madison and had to resist the urge to sock her in the face daily. I was so close to quitting and changing my career. But I loved my music too much and sometimes I wonder if, had I quit, things been different between Spence and I. I know things wouldn't have ended the way they did.

Spencer kept up her small film documents, not yet having been picked up by Mr. Henry, obviously. But her career was steadily picking up. She was stressed out, too, I wasn't the only one. I shouldn't have sacrificed her for my stupid work. It isn't worth it. Spencer's worth it. But there's nothing I can do now, can I?

We made into our daily habits, like waking up early and watching the news with a warm cup of coffee each. Then we'd go on a walk. Then we'd go do whatever we had to do, if we had to. Work wasn't tight then. _**I realized that I loved you in the fall.**_ All these little things we did together I soon came to realize that I never want to do them with anybody else. Spence and I have a bond that can never compare or be replaced by anyone else. Now I know I need to somehow get her back. I don't care if I make an ass of myself, I need to die trying.

And of course life had to go on. Every day with Spencer was a blessing. Knowing her is a blessing. Spending another summer with her was great. Work was slowly adding up and sometimes we didn't get to share breakfast or dinner together. Lunch was completely out. Spencer had been taking more directing opportunities and I was in the middle of helping produce Madison's CD, AKA the one I wrote. Ethan, a fellow and main producer, was always on our asses about it. So what was I to do, tell him no, I need to spend more time with my girlfriend because I'm never home? Yes. I should have. But I didn't. And maybe that's why things are how they are now.

**And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind. **I knew I was losing her and I knew I had to do something about it. Instead of trying to fix everything, I let Madison and Ethan take me over and I neglected my girl. Spencer was trying so hard to get me to come home just a little bit earlier and leave just a little bit later in the morning. She was clinging so hard to me on this tiny string of rope that threatened to tear. And it did. I tore it. I not only tore it, I ripped it out of her grasp and stomped all over it. All she tried to do was love me and I just pulled away. I got angry. I did it. I nearly killed her and this is what it came to. _**You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "goodbye".**_  
I rapidly blink my eyes to rid them of the tears that threatened to spill over. I look up at Spencer and thankfully her eyes are glued to her coffee cup.

"You want another one of those?" I muster out. She looks startled.

"Huh? Oh, no. I actually, um, should get going." I can't tell whether she told me something or whether she hit me in the chest. I glance down at my watch quickly. Eight PM already?

My face feels fiery. "Oh," She slowly moves her head up and down, avoiding eye contact with me.

I stand up and throw our coffees in the nearest trash can. I walk back over to our table and stand adjacent to Spencer. She looks up at me with eyes that shed a sadness or guilt, I can't tell which. She says nothing, so I nervously say, "Can I walk you out?" She smiles and nods. She stands up, pushes her chair in, and follows me to the door. I open the door for her and simultaneously hear the bell overhead and get a blast of cold air to my body. The snow hits us as we walk out, pouring down slantedly due to the high wind. A shiver escapes me.

Once we've walked a few steps away from the door and out of the way, Spencer faces me. My eyes lock with hers and she stares blankly, in a sort of hesitating manner. I need to say something that will make her stay. I need to try to clean this mess up.

"So, uh, where's your car parked?" I opt for instead and mentally slap myself.

"Oh, uh, it's um, over there." She shrugs her right shoulder and bobs her head in the direction. We make eye contact again and I don't dare break it. To my dismay, a few long seconds later, Spencer looks down at her feet. She looks back up and begins the trek to her car. I follow.

"I don't remember it ever being this bad so early in the season." I make small talk on the walk to the car. I need to hear her voice as much as I can before we part for God knows how long.

"I do. When you first moved here, actually."

I look up from our feet that are in walking sync. She doesn't look back, but I see a smile playing at her lips. "Really?"

"Mhm. Normally any person who hadn't ever seen snow would find it so fascinating, but you hated it. You would throw fits because it would get in your hair and make everything wet and would cover everything and ruin your plants and annoy you so bad," She giggles. "It was mostly the plants, though," I smile at my fourteen-year-old self. "You're not still crazy about them, are you?" She quirks an eyebrow and asks me. I shiver, not from the cold.

"You bet I am," I smirk.

She laughs and if we weren't walking, I'd bet it'd be one of those head-thrown-back laughs. She always found my plant obsession hilarious. Some things don't change. I laugh along with her until I realize she has stopped. I look back at her. Her jaw is nearly on the ground; her eyebrows are furrowed together.

"Spence?" I look in the same direction as she. Oh. "Hey, that isn't-?"

"Shit! We were only in there for a couple hours! How did it get this covered?" Her hands grab her cheeks.

"You don't happen to have a shovel, do you?" I ask then laugh. "Oh, I guess if you did..."

She turns to me with anger on her face which makes my heart drop. The anger quickly evaporates into a smile. "Well, I guess I'll have to come back tomorrow morning with one."

"Do you want me to give you a ride?" I prompt.

"Oh, no, it's okay, really. I'll call my..." I raise my eyebrow at her and coyly smile. "Okay." **So this is me swallowing my pride.**

She follows me to my car now, which is parked under the eves in front of the coffee shop. I only got it due to waiting a solid half hour for a spot and then waiting another half hour before getting out of the car to meet Spencer ten minutes later. I wanted to be early!

We stop at my car. She just stares. Again she is hesitant. _I would love to be__** standing in front of you, saying, "I'm sorry for that night".**_ _Just apologize. It isn't that hard. Come on, you wimp!_

I unlock the car and head to the drivers side. I open the door and look back at her. "You coming?" I ask and smile kindly. She promptly nods and smiles and walks to the passenger side door.

I plop into the car and she follows suit. I turn on the engine and the heat immediately. It takes a minute to warm up; I wait for it to do so. In the meantime, I find a good song on a station. It's staticky tonight.

I think about the last night Spencer was in this car. Everyday I picture her there and long for her to be with me, and here she is. I don't think I'm in stable condition to drive. **And I go back to December all the time. **The last time she was in this car was last December and we went to dinner and on a hot air balloon ride. It was sunset and just barely snowing; it was really beautiful. Me, my best friend and girlfriend, and nature. It couldn't have been any better. She said to me, "Ash, look at this. Look at all this freedom we have. We can do anything" and I said "Anything... together?" and she just kissed me and I knew that was a yes. _**It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you**_. Maybe that "anything" offer still stands. I'd give anything in order for the freedom Spencer gave me to be revoked.

I back out of the space and exit the lot. Spence says, "You can go down Benson then turn left."

I chuckle and say, "I got it, Spence." Little does she know how often I've driven past her home in hopes of seeing her without actually having to knock and see her.

We drive on. I hadn't realized how far Spence had to actually drive to get to the coffee shop. I should have asked her to a place closer. Anyway, as we drive on I realize that these are the last moments I have with her. My heart begins to beat rapidly and my palms become sweaty over the steering wheel and not because of the heat in here.

Here, driving on with my ex-girlfriend, I realize what we're not. We're not a couple. We may be in love, but we're not a couple. I may be in love, she may or may not be. She may or may not be in love with me, too, or she may or may not have somebody else. But I've seen the way she looked at me tonight. Those looks aren't looks you show when you're in love with somebody else. I know it's me. I know she's as weak for me as I am for her. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I can't just ask to have her back. That's, unfortunately, not how it works.

_Driving on, I realize that I have never stopped loving you, no matter how hard I tried or told myself I have. Driving on, I am __**wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine**__._ Driving on, every little memory is triggered by this car. The water stings my eyes and for the second time tonight, I blink to rid the salty water away.

If I knew what I know now, **I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind**. I would sacrifice everything for Spencer, something I've never done for anybody. Now I realize that she is my happiness, she is my everything and without her I have nothing. I may work and I may have my possessions, but I have nothing. Nothing works without her. **I go back to December all the time.**

I blink some more and switch the stations around while looking ahead at the snowy road. I feel her heat against my arm though we aren't touching, but I wish we were. I want her to hold me again, I need her to touch me again.

_**I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile. **__I could do something so horribly wrong and you'd still see the good in me. You know me better than I know myself and without you I've lost who __I am. When we parted, I lost a part of me. I can't get myself back unless I have you. You were more loyal to me than anyone I've met in my short decades of life. I know there will never be another like you and that's why I need you. You're everything to me and I just can't let you go. It's been a year and I still need you as bad as I needed you last December. You're __**so good to me, so right. **__Even when I don't deserve your love, you never fail to give it. You gave me hope. You taught me to love endlessly, which is what I do now. Especially to you. I'd love you despite anything._

_ I miss how protective you would be of me. I miss how you'd get jealous and I am sorry you got jealous; there is no need to be. There is only you. I miss how you would hold me and I'd fall asleep in your arms, in your protective grasp. I remember __**how you held me in your arms that September night**_ _when I was nothing short of a mess. I had been strong for so long, but you let me relax and let all my walls come down. That was __**the first time you ever saw me cry.**_ _I hate being weak for you, because I need to be strong for you, but you know all the right ways to make me feel better. I can't thank you enough._

I realize we're only a few minutes away from her house and this immediately overwhelms me. I can't just stop here. I can't just come out of nowhere and tell her I still love her, as much as I'd like to and have that feeling reciprocated.

"Spence, what are we doing?" I sigh out.

"I don't know what you mean." She squeaks, knowing fully well what I mean.

"Us."

She lets out a quick but large sigh. "Do we have to talk about this?"

I answer right away. "Yes."

She hesitates then says, "Your place." With a soft grab of my forearm.

I feel the shock of it run through my body. My breath hitches and I nod a few times and say, "Okay." With a shakey voice.  
This is the part where we go back to my place and tell each other everything from the beginning and confess that our love has always been here. Just kidding, if only. Maybe we will be okay. Maybe she'll love me again. I've never stopped. And, **maybe this is wishful thinking**, but maybe she'll tell me she never stopped loving me, either. Maybe we will be okay. I can't just throw away my friendship of a decade and my relationship of a few years. It wasn't worth it. Work wasn't worth it. Music wasn't worth it. Maintaining the happiness of others over Spencer wasn't worth it. The only thing worth it is Spencer herself.

But this is **probably mindless dreaming**. Instead of what I hope for, Spencer will probably tell me that she has stopped loving me. She's going to tell me that she is happy without me and maybe she even has another girlfriend. She will tell me that she has been okay without me. It hurt before, but it doesn't anymore. That's the sad reality of life. Nothing you hope for happens. If it does, it's a rare, once-in-a-lifetime thing.

_**But, **__in the off-chance that you really do still love me, __**I swear I'd love you right.**_

I pull into my lot and glance at Spencer. She looks confused. I would be, too. **I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't**. If I'm not forgiven, it's okay because I deserve it. _**So if the chain is on your door, I understand.**_

I pull into my designated parking spot and turn off the engine. Spencer stares straight ahead as if she doesn't know what to make of this. Neither do I.

"Where are we?" She doesn't look at me.

"My loft. I moved here last summer." I tell her, but she doesn't look at me. I exit the car and , fortunately, she follows.

We go through the lobby and up the elevator in silence. I lead her to my front door in silence. I unlock it, open it, flip on a light switch, and hold the door open for her to enter first. She slowly does so. I shut the door quietly behind me and watch as she takes a few small, slow steps into the living room.

"Why?" She asks.

"Why, what?" I ask, still leaning against the back of the door.

"Why did you move."

I wait a few seconds, not sure how to phrase it. "I..." She turns around and looks at me, her arms crossed across her chest. "Too many memories." I look down and face her.

"Where's your bathroom?" She asks too casually.

"Walk down to that hall and it's in the middle on the left," She mumbles a "thanks" and heads off. I stand for a few seconds before my feet take me every which way. I scramble through the living room and pick up empty cups and scraps of trash and throw them into the trash can and the cups into the sink. I clear off the counter tops and arrange the photos on the fridge in a nice manner. My feet move quickly back into the living room. I grab the magazines off the couch and place them neatly on the coffee table in front of the couch. I jump for behind me comes a soft cough. I stand up promptly and face Spencer, who again has her arms folded across her chest. I stand facing her as if I'm the soldier in training and she's the chief.

"Do you want to sit?" I weakly ask and gesture toward the coach behind me. She opts for the chair beside it. I sit on the couch.

"So..."

"So, what, Ashley? You wanted to talk. So go ahead."

Yes, she's right. I do want to talk about this, about us. _How do I begin this? _I have no right to just come out and aplogize. It's going to have to be a lot more than just that. Sorry doesn't mean anything until you prove it. **But this is me swallowing my pride** and admitting that I was so horribly in the wrong. I feel as if my words will fail Spencer. If she could feel what I felt, I know she would at least take me into consideration. It's going to take more than just words to fix this.

"I'll be right back," I say as I jump up. I grab a water and gulp it half down. I set it on the counter and rub my eyes. _No, stop, you can't do this. Stop crying, baby._ _Stop being a wimp._

I whip around and see Spencer standing in the entrance of the kitchen. Her expression is empty.

"Do you want something to drink?" I croak out then blush.

"No," She says in a stern tone. "No, thanks." I follow her back into the living room.

"Spencer?" She turns around about ten feet away from me. _This is it. Now or never. I'm __**standing in front of you**__..._ saying, "**I'm sorry for that night**." I look up from the ground to Spencer's face which has a large span of emotions in a three second period. I see ache, hurt, pain. But I also see relief, happiness, and a flash of anger.

"That's it? You're sorry for that night. Yeah, I'm sorry for it, too." She's spits out.  
"Hold on, just wait a second, okay?" I beg.

"You know what? No!" She takes a single step toward me. Why should you be the one to talk? You killed me, Ashley!" She emphasizes. "Do you have any idea what you did to me?"

"I do-"

"And knowing you, you think things can, by SOME miracle, go back to normal? Before that night. Well, they can't!"

"Spence, I didn't expect-"

"Yeah, I didn't expect you to fucking call me after a year of not contacting me."

"You told me to never contact you again." I say with my mouth clenched.

"You should know me well enough that I didn't want that."

"And you should know me well enough that your feelings are my feelings!"

"Apparently they aren't, Ashley, because you were so damn happy about your stupid job and the music and the label and pleasing Madison—'Spencer? Who's Spencer? Who cares?' I was bending over backwards just to try please you! You yelled at me for no apparent reason every day! When I just tried to make you happy, I tried to make you love me again!" She cries out. I watch as angry tears spill over. I try to keep mine in without blinking, without missing a second of her. "I was just trying to keep you. I was losing you. And then I lost you."

**And I go back to December...**

My heart beats in my chest, my breath hitches, my tears spill over, my knees threaten to give out.

"Spencer-" I try.

"No. I don't want to hear anything because I know what you're going to try to say. You're the same Ashley from a year ago. And I don't want that," She walks past me to my door, but I grab her wrist. This shocks her; she turns around with a look on her face.

"Let me go." She says and goes for the door. I race to it and I grab her hands to stop her from leaving. I push myself in front of the door so she can't get to it.

"You said we could talk and I haven't gotten my chance to. I'm not losing you again." I taste the salt watery tears as I talk.

"You lost me a long time ago." She snarls.

"How do I get you back?"

She stops trying to get to the door. She steps backward a few steps and gives a frightening laugh. "Get me back? You think you can get me back," She says and laughs. "I knew there was a reason I left you." _A kick to the gut._

"Stop, stop it! Please! I'm sorry!"

"What do you want then, Ashley?" She yells.

"To tell you what I've been wanting to tell you all this time. I just don't know how."

"Well, there's another accomplishment you've made..." I look down to the ground, but I can't see through my tears. The room around me is beginning to spin and I feel the coffee I drank earlier threaten to come back up. I try to focus on the girl in front of me, but I just fall. She doesn't move; I can't see what she's doing. I rub my eyes and the room starts to come back into focus. I lean myself against the door in hopes that Spencer won't stampede over me and run off.

"Please, just let me talk." I beg in a defeated tone. I look up at her and I can't see the anger anymore. She says nothing, so I go on. "**It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you**. You told me you were giving me my freedom, but I didn't want that. I don't want that. I only want you. No amount of words can change what I did, I know that. But I need you to know that I mean this. Please, can you try to understand that?" I look up from the ground to Spencer, who is still standing.

She wipes her face with the back of her palm; it slightly smears her mascara. She won't look at me.

"Losing you is the worst thing I have ever and will ever experience. I, just, it hurts so bad. It hurts not having you and it hurts knowing how much I hurt you. You were nothing short of angelic to me and every single day I'm **wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine**. There are so many things I'd do differently or wouldn't do-"

"But you did. You can't change the past."

"But I can change the future."

"And what if I'm not in yours?"

"I don't wanna think about that." I mumble without looking up. "I've been spending all my time rehearsing what I'd say to you if I had the chance. And here you are and I've lost all common sense that I had," Staring down at my hands, I hear her move around and out of the side of my eye, I see her sit on the floor a bit in front of me. "I want you to know that you are the most important thing in my life. You always were and you always will be. I'm so, so, so sorry I stopped showing you that. I'm sorry I let things take me over that I shouldn't have let take me over. I'm sorry I shoved you off when you were only trying to stay close to me. I'm sorry for neglecting you and making you feel less than you really are.

If I could, **I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right**. And I know, I can't change the past. But I still wish I could. I would have never lost you and you'd still be with me and we'd still be making breakfast together and driving to the beach in Maryland and maybe even climbing Mount Everest," I giggle slightly at our old dream. "I still have the flowers."

"What flowers?" She chokes out. I look up to see tears flying off her cheeks; her mouth is quivering and I just want to run over and hold her, but I can't do that.

"The roses I neglected. I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge them at the time, but I do all the time now," I say as fresh tears come out. "Losing you is my biggest regret. I almost moved back to LA, but I just couldn't. Not without you coming. I need you," I finally say. "I can't do anything in my life without thinking of you."

"Don't do that." She begs.

"How can I not, Spence?" I raise my voice and look at her through my tears. "You were, you are, such a huge part of me! Without you, I'm incomplete! I will never forgive myself for doing what I did to you! I'm sorry! I know I can't change what I did and I know I can't just be taken back right now. I just, I need you so bad," I choke out and run out of breath. We sit, and for a bit the only sounds I hear are us trying to get our sobs under control. Clearly we're both in pain here.

"If I could, **I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind**. I would tell myself that nothing is worth sacrificing you. I wish I'd sacrificed music and not you. I didn't intentionally do that, and I'm sorry for putting out my stress on you all the time. You were stressed, too, and you treated me so well. I don't know what's wrong with me, honestly."

"I can't just take you back."

"I know," I whisper. "I'm just so sorry for ever hurting you. I'm so sorry. I never want to live without you. I need you." We lock eyes and I know this is tearing her apart. More pain I'm causing her.

"I need you, too." She whispers back.

"I'll love you forever, Spencer. I promise," I croak out. I rub my eyes. She breaks eye contact by looking down at her lap. I watch as tears drip one by one into it. "Spencer?" She looks up, her glacier eyes sporting their most pure, innocent look. "Can I see your arms?" She looks down and shakes her head. "Please. Spencer, please." A few seconds later, she extends her arms so that each is leaning against a knee. She doesn't look up, so I know this can't be a good sign. I wait and, when she does nothing, I crawl slowly toward her. I sit cross legged in front of her. I take a soft hold on her left wrist and slowly and gently pull up the sleeve of her shirt, thankful she shed the jacket. Within the first three inches I pull up, I see the cuts; I squint my eyes and cringe, feeling the pain of the blade. They get worse as I go up. I become nauseous, but I keep going until I'm unable pull up the sleeve anymore and I'm unable to control my tears. I place her arm back atop her knee and work on the opposite sleeve. This one is slightly better than the previous one, though I wouldn't call it "better". They're both horrible and make me want to vomit. Knowing Spencer did this to herself because of me and any other possible stresses is the worst feeling imaginable. I'd rather have my limps pulled apart one by one. "C-can I, hug you?" I say and my voice cracks and more of the crying erupts. She just sniffles and nods.

I lean into her, wrapping one arm across her back and the other to the back of her head. I pull her into me and she instictively melts. She cries from over my shoulder. I pull her into me and grasp her as much, but gently, as I am able to.

"Why did you do this? You're too beautiful for this. Don't do this because of me, please don't ever do this."

"I'm sorry." She cries into my neck repeatedly.

"I'm sorry, too, Spencer. I'm so sorry,"

So I hold her. And we cry. And we cry. We cry until our cries turn into sniffles and our sniffles turn into steady breathing. Until our grasps turn into clutches of want, clutches of need. Until our legs are asleep and are minds are nearly so.

I lean against the back of my couch. Spencer is cradled into me like a toddler; her head rests against my chest and her legs are across my lap, on my left side. I hold Spencer and I stroke her hair. I sit there, craving sleep, but also craving Spencer.

"Hey, don't you have work tomorrow?" I whisper.

"It's fine, I'll call in sick."

"Spence, I don't want you to get on bad terms with Mr. Henry just because of-"

"Stop, I said it's fine." So I stop.

After a few minutes of less stroking and more eye drooping, I ask, "Are you sleepy?" She nods. "Do you want me to take you home?" She shakes her head. "You want to stay here?" She nods. "I'll lend you some PJs and you can use the spare bedroom. Come on, go wash your face. There are towels and such in the bathroom." She brings her legs back over. I stand up and help her up. She heads to the bathroom and I go to fetch her some pajamas to sleep in. After doing so, I walk into the spare bedroom that hardly is ever used (don't worry, I keep it clean). I place the clothes on the bed and exit the room in time to see Spencer standing in the doorway of the bathroom; I look over to her and smile meekly. I move away from the doorway and slide into my room. I crack the door and change into my own pajamas. I brush my teeth and head back into my room and into my bed that seems colder than usual tonight.

I toss and turn for I don't know how long when my door creaks open. I sit up suddenly and realize it's only Spencer. Only Spencer.

"Hey, are you okay?" I can't see her face.

"Yeah." She says nothing more but just stands there in the doorway.

"Um, do you want..?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." I scoot over and flip the blankets over to let her in. She slides in and her scent wafts through my nose right away, the scent I've been craving for so long. I wait for her to settle in and to see which way she faces. She faces opposite of me. After a few minutes of laying on my back, I face opposite of her.

Many minutes later, I hear, "Ash?"

"Yeah?"

"Just seeing if you were awake."

"I am." I tell her and face toward her. She is still facing opposite me.

"Ash?" A few minutes later.

"Yeah, Spence?" I groggily reply.

"We're going to be okay?"

"I believe so." I lie. I'm not sure what we're going to be like in the morning.

"Really?"

"I'm positive." Despite my hopes, I know this is all for a reason. I believe we will be okay.

I'm nearly asleep, I can hear those weird noises that signify sleep is almost here. I can't open my eyes even if I tried and I am perfectly still and comfortable. I'm content, but I become more content when I feel a small pressure on my back, right under the back of my neck. I hear Spencer's breathing and feel it on my back. I exhale with happiness at her closeness to me. That one gesture lets me know that we will be okay. It's all going to be okay.  
**I go back to December all the time.****  
****All the time.**


End file.
